Your Favorite Shade of Gray

2:31 AM


Dear you,

I still remember the moment when you took me to your grandparents's place at the countryside on last holiday. I remember you held my hand tight along the way. Your hand was strong but astonishingly soft and warm. You never let go of my hand and stroked my fingers several times. Every time you did that, I always looked up to you to find you staring right into my eyes softly, and your smile was spreading wide on your face. I thought I could spend my life forever just by looking at you.

We arrived at your grandparents's home and they hugged you tightly. They turned to me and shook my hand enthusiastically, beamed with pleasure. Your grandma was so happy that she almost jumped right into me. You laughed, the most beautiful laugh I've ever heard.

Oh, how I miss hearing that laugh coming out from your mouth.

Every morning you would woke me up and took me outside, to the mountain, to fetch some water. I always enjoyed it, that feeling when the wind blew on my face, tickled my neck that made me shiver a bit. Then you would come and took my hand, led me wander through the dark trees. I challenged you to race to the stream and sometimes you let me win intentionally.

We filled our buckets and then took some rest in a hut not far from the stream. The hut was too high for me that you had to help me to get into it. That day we sat side by side, my hand in yours. I moved my dangled legs back and forth and you stared at the sky. We were waiting for the sunrise.

"What's your favorite color?" I suddenly asked you.
You smiled and said, "That's weird."
"Weird?" I was confused.
"Yeah, you know, we've been together for almost three months but you still don't know about my favorite color," you grinned at me.
I blushed. "Well, you've always been the mysterious one."
"You are totally right about it," you chuckled. "Yours is kind of bluish, isn't it?"
"Is it?" I teased you.
"A mix of blue and green, I bet. In other word, turquoise." you said it calmly.
"How do you know that?"
"Your pupils dilate every time you see that color," you said. I raised my eyebrows. "Kidding," you laughed, "you tend to choose that color every time you buy your things."

My eyes must had widened a bit because I could see your pleasure. "I didn't know you noticed such a small thing," I tried to cover my amazement.
"Only about what I like. Or who," you teased me.
"Like me?" I fluttered.
"Do I like you?" you tried to look like a fool.
"No, you don't. You don't like me. Because if you liked me, I would punch you in the face," I crossed my arms. You laughed again.
"You are right, your ladyship, I don't like you," you said. You didn't say anything for a moment. I bet you did it for a dramatic effect. "I love you."

I was so dumbfounded that I couldn't say anything. You took my hand and pulled me closer.
"There is no pretending. I love you, and I will love you until I die, and if there is life after that, I'll love you then," you quoted Jace Herondale from City of Glass.
I burst out laughing. "Did you just quote?"
"Did I?"
"I didn't know you read The Mortal Instruments! You said you don't like reading books," I laughed harder.
"I only said I do not prefer books. Doesn't mean that I hate it," you smiled.
"Well, boy, you won. I acknowledge it," I said, my cheeks burnt because of laughing.
"I know. Because that's what I do, you know, winning." you said, pompously arrogant.
"How very kind of you," I smiled, and you leaned closer to me and my heart was beating faster..

...and then the roosters began to crow. The sun was about to rise.
"That's it!" you suddenly averted your face.
I was so confused and surprised and a bit disappointed. "What?"
"My favorite color. Look," you pointed at the upstream. I turned to the side he pointed. Then I saw it, up in the sky.
"Gray?" I asked. "You like gray?"
"Not gray, exactly. Right before the sun rises there’s a moment when the whole sky goes this pale nothing color—not really gray but sort of, or sort of white—"
"—and I’ve always really liked it because it reminds me of waiting for something good to happen," I finished it. "You quoted again. I like it."
"Of course you like it, because it's me," you gave me that teasing smile. "I agree with Lena Haloway. I'm in love with this shade of gray."

I watched you staring at the sky as the sun started to rise. The breeze blew your hair, revealing your forehead. "But now it's fading. It's sad that it only lasts for a very short time," I said.
"That's why I adore it. When you realize that something only lasts for a brief time, you will cherish it even more," you smiled softly and then turned to me. "You will be grateful for every chance that are given to you. You won't take it for granted."

In that time I could see a glimpse of sadness and pain in your face. Somehow I thought I saw you in a super excruciating agony. Somehow I just wanted to cry and help you. I wanted to take some of the pain you were carrying on your shoulder.

I know nothing lasts forever. Nothing, even us. That's why you always gave your best in every chance given. That's why you always tried to enjoy your moments; because you didn't know what would happen next. That's why you never squandered anything you got. That's why I adore you, my dear, a lot.

My dear, I love you so much. You know that I was always afraid of you leaving me, but you promised me that you would not do it. That's why I could let you go to any place you want. But this time, I just can't. You failed to keep your promise, my dear, but I know I must get over it.

In this little turquoise box, I keep you safe. I hope you don't mind keep seeing my favorite color that you had guessed correctly on that day. But now it's time to get you out of it. I know you must have been so bored in it.

My dear, I'm so sorry you can't get your favorite gray. I'm sorry that you only got this ash gray.

The roosters start to crow. The tinge of your favorite gray break the sky. I strew your ash into the stream.

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